Farewell 2013

Well, it’s January 1 and in true new year fashion I have been doing a sort of personal retrospective of the year’s events. Maybe it’s all the resolution media hype working on my subconscious, but I thought perhaps it was as good a time as any to take stock of what has worked….and what hasn’t.

When I consider the events of the past year the first thing that comes to mind is the victory of finally graduating from Sage after more than ten years of textbook hassles, late nights of evening class commutes after working a full day, and the never ending homework which consumed endless weekends. It had been such a long time coming that I was in near disbelief when I finally picked up my regalia at the college bookstore, and I remember kissing my diploma when the college president handed it to me eliciting a chuckle from her. I stood there among the capped and gowned graduates and was grateful to have finally been strong enough to right a regret I had been harboring for years….the regret of not going to college. Very few people ever get to do such a thing and I felt as if I had been given some sort of special dispensation which was incredibly liberating. In spite of the grind, it was worth finally joining the ranks of those with a four year degree.

The same kind of strength came in handy a few months ago when I had to find the fortitude to walk out of an intellectually stimulating but psychologically dangerous relationship with a man I was absolutely crazy about. It had been many years since I had had a front row seat for that kind of predatory exploitation of my naivete´ and I was caught completely and totally off guard. I’m grateful to therapy and friends for keeping me sane, and for my own sense of discernment which finally told me that the bad really outweighed the good. A lot. There really are sociopaths and narcissists out there, and I am not exempt from being hurt by them as my Piscean soul has learned.

Having the bad outweigh the good was instrumental in finally helping me to make the decision to get my knee replaced next month. What started as a childhood horse injury had been plaguing me for years, and I vividly remember my general practitioner uncle listening to it with his stethoscope twenty years ago and telling me it wasn’t going to last. His prophesies were correct, and after much thought and deciding that I would rather have the quality of life on this side of my life rather than on some unpromised time years from now, I decided to do it. I know it is going to hurt like hell and the rehab is going to test everything I know about my own limits, but frankly it will be nice to focus on the project of rehabilitation while my heart heals. Hard work infallibly ends up being positive in some way, and it will give me blogging material. Stay tuned.

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